Just Another Relationship..

When people talked about love washing away with time, I thought that happened with people. It couldn't happen to us ever, I thought. We made such a unique relationship.
But I was young and stupid then. Couples are couples afterall. All relationships have graphs with pretty much the same trends. How did I come to believe that we were outliers? No don't get me wrong. I still see that soulmate in you. Your voice soothes my heart. But, now, retaining that interest level in me seems to be an effort from your side. The one who loved to care for me is apparently trying to care for me. Or may be, you always tried to. I saw what I wished to.
Before it's too late.. Before I'm too possessed by my dreams.. I need to wake up and realize that life with you isn't going to be that rosy afterall. You'll eventually get sick of me. And I'll begin to complain. And we'll live normally ever after..

The Fall

The colors have begun to change. From lively shades of green to bright shades of orange. And it's like a dream. To watch the nature change bit by bit, day by day. Eventually, there'll be no greens at all. I'm so looking forward to that time.
Is it a sadistic wish? To look forward to the flora dying all around me? Or may be it's like craving for the KFC burgers, despite knowing the naked truth. Depends upon the perspective.
But the thing with a fall season is: The beauty it imparts to the leaves just before they fall off. Their last chance to rejoice over their changed colors. The sense that it provides to us: We will all have our share of falls and springs. It's cyclic.

Nothing dies.

Things I'll never say...

It's the minutest of things in life that matter the most to me, you know. Your little gestures deeply touch my heart. The way you...

..Cup my head with your palm in reaction to my frequent frowns.

..Stroke the back of my fingers with yours, casually.

..Hold my shoulder gently and pull me towards you until I rest on your chest.

It hypnotizes me. Overwelms me to the core.
I wonder how I will digest all the happiness that still awaits us.
The joy of your company.. The pride of being yours.. The sense of being one with you forever...

Love and divinity

And this is why I don't believe in the Love-at-fight-sights, made-for-each-others and marriages-are-made-in-heavens. Our relationship has been more than perfect. But it's heavily askew. I believe, from the core of my heart, that you are too good a person, too good a lover for me. You are! How could a short-tempered, ill-natured person like me deserve an eternally mature, understanding guy like you? Moreover, you always seem to believe, behind those no-one-can-love-me-like-yous, that you could have been as happy with any other girl. As if you shower all your love on me just 'coz I happen to be your girlfriend (and you are too lazy/faithful to find another anyways). So despite that heavenly feeling, soothing peace and obvious passion between us, I can never become idealistic about love.
I wish you secretly try 4-5 more relationships and yourself discover if there is actually something divine between us. That day, I too might start believing in the famous quotes on love.

All right. I agree I am possessive about you. My feelings are very close to obsession. But I try to hold them back because I know they aren't really positive in any way. For either of us.
If I set myself free, my natural reaction would be to behold you. Wouldn't leave you even for the nature's call. Your presence fills all voids of my life, boy. You can't understand how I feel about you. Not unless you become me.
My anger, my pain, when you don't give your entire attention to me- is my problem. And you need not bother about it. I'll manage it myself. Even today morning, it was my fault. I had almost disregarded all my rational thoughts. And did you notice, I did not defend myself when you argued with me about it. Because I knew I wasn't justified.
Though your hug at the end of it, made up for everything anyways.

Sweetheart, when you hold me in your arms, I lose my being. I become yours. I become you.

The Puzzle

Was it an illusion, really? What I thought, what I felt for you. The spark in your eyes that mesmerized me for years. Was it only a reflection of the radiance I directed at you??

My observation tells me that I cannot associate any pleasant memories with the relationships that have gone bad. Like others, I cannot casually miss friends who I've stopped talking to. There's always either regret or blame attached. So I generally prefer not to think, not to miss at all. And the good memories are associated with the people I'm still in touch with, in love with. But you are a different case all together, you know. You , somehow, do not fit my above mentioned philosophy. You linger unattended, almost like an outlier.

I cannot feel guilty for what I felt for you. Neither can my heart condemn that spontaneous fervor, nor can my mind challenge my fall for the beautiful person I saw in you. And obviously, you cannot be accused for the glint that I observed in your eyes. I, hence, possess no hard feelings for you.

On the other hand, time and your coldness has killed all traces of any emotional attraction I ever had for you. It's purely an intellectual inclination now. Yes, you have reduced to a question for me. Quite a dreadful one though. Dreadful not because I fear that it can harm me in any way. But because I fear that it would persist. Like the dark spots created by the teenage acne. Like the scars attained from childhood accidents. I fear that this puzzle would continue to affect my evolving philosophy.

The mystery

Your mind
And the thoughts concealed within
Are for me the biggest mystery
Not that the truth will change my life
Nor will it break my heart
I only wish to lift the veil
I only fancy a victory
Over your hidden emotions
Not that I love you
Nor would I ever do
I only wish to liberate myself
I only want to free you
From the burden of secracy...

Tera na hona jaane
kyun hona hi hai...

It's bewitching. The way you play hide and seek with my senses. Being so far from you, I still cannot manage to push you away for long. All that's in my control is my mind, after all. You are a part of my very existence, my soul.

Moments after I wake up and before I open my eyes, the fragrance of your breath pervades my nostrils. And as I open an eye slowly, I feel blinded by the glint of your teeth.
You quietly smile at me as I take all the time in the world to get ready. Then, while I observe myself combing my wet hair over one shoulder, you pop up behind me, styling your spikes. In the car, as I sing your favorite numbers, you listen to me close-eyed; unperturbed by the severe speed bumps. And when I wait on the ascending escalator, you appear at the upper end, struggling against the course to reach me.

Oh well, you are right here with me. Pretty much all the time.
Tumse hi din hota hai..Sach me..

I wonder

None of those relationships has stayed till date. We were all kids, after all. Had I too committed to you 10 years ago, would we still be together???

What would have our relationship been like, I wonder!

You would be mad about my looks. I would be crazy about your personality.
You would admire my ballet spins. I would be a fan of your Tennis shots.
You would adore my cute sketches. I would love your poetic verses.
You would be irritated by my mood swings.I would be frustrated with your insensitive attitude.
You would hate my juvenile talks. I would detest your adult jokes.
You would abuse me for my little crushes. I would call you names for your lewd attitude.

Woahh..I probably was correct with my instincts. It would have been really sad to associate my first crush with pain. :P

An auroral dusk

Do you vaguely remember??

Sitting drenched and soiled on the beach, you captured your restless heart, and offered it to me for a lifetime. And I remember, how I playfully blew it away. But then, our smiles, gestures and silences shared a strong and clear communication. Like they had an eternal connection! You knew that I was only giving wings to your heart, hoping to dive myself to follow it.

The moment

Pain had always been a part of me. But now I could see solace in my sorrow. Right after the biggest turmoil of my life had subsided. Only when I had no one left: to dream of, to smile with or to cry for.

You came to me as a cloud to the desert. But I wondered if I were hallucinating. I feared if you were only a fragment of my imagination; if you would fade away with time like the previous dreams. But unlike ever before, I blurted everything in front of you. My pain, my anxiety, my fears and my hope. You listened to all that silently.
And I cried days for losing my self-control. I cried for having become so vulnerable and unreasonable before someone as insensitive as you seemed to be.
But that was the last wave of pain in my life. Minutes before leaving the city, you eased out everything. Your eyes, so deep, just held me captive and spellbound. I couldn't breathe, let alone move, for a long while. Probably that was the first time someone looked at me with such intensity. You words still echo in my mind (as clear as the dialogues of my childhood favorite DDLJ).

You remember I told you I have a crush on someone.
It's you.

And the train, almost melodramatically, entered the scene whistling, putting a pause to the moment that had barely started.

If you ask me one incident that I would remember for eternity, it would be this one for sure. The moment that stole all my insecurity. Forever.

How crazy can you get in the matters of the heart??

Would it sound strange if I confess that one of the small reasons (and perhaps the first one) behind I choosing this college, so far from my home, was the reliance on your casual word that you intended to join a university in that geographical location? Not that I hoped to bump into you in the train some time.. Not that I imagined accidently meeting you.. I only wished to be physically near you. As if some invisible strings would keep you tied to me.

I agree - Heart sucks big time. It blindfolds your mind and sadistically enjoys when you fall into emotional pits. And when you look back, it accompanies the mind in mocking at those crazy decisions!!

Love him, love him not...

Can I spend my lifetime,
Discerning and watching the invisible you
Listening to your absence with my intent soul
Recalling you are too far to come to my rescue?

Can I spend my lifetime,
Worshiping your picture behind my eyes
Abstaining myself from all that is unholy
Yet realizing I'm one person you would always despise?

Can I spend my lifetime,
Dying every moment for a doomed destiny
Killing all my dignity to save an emotion
Knowing you would still walk all over me?

Can I spend my lifetime waiting for nothing?
I cannot.

And so, I confess: I'M NOT IN LOVE.

More than just friends

After a tough battle between my heart and mind, I decided to let her go.

After all, a friend was all that she was. How could I screw my marriage for her? Amidst daily fights over strange reasons, my wife had finally expressed her true horror: You can never prove to me that Anna and you are not more than "just friends"!

Since as long as i can remember, Anna had been a crucial part of my life. We had been together through celebrations and tears.. through wins and losses.. through link-ups and break-ups...

We had survived a long distance friendship for years.

We would talk for a million hours. As much about our original ideas as about our silliest experiences. And about politics and religions; about philosophies and cartoons.

We had been mentors and consultants for each other. She had always prevented me from losing my faith in destiny and my belief in myself.

But I lost her.

And it's only now that I have realized her actual worth.

We were actually more than just friends.

We were best friends.

Returning to dreams...

In my lust , in my prayers
You have lasted for years

Like the reminiscence of red roses
In the leaves of an old journal
You have remained untouched, my love
In the folds of my heart

It's yet another start

It's time for the dried out flowers
to blossom once again
It's time for my thirst
To be quenched by the rain

Yes, I wanna wake up from the pain of reality
Take me to the dreams, take me in your spell

Replenish my fuel

Save my life, darling, let me live a few more days
With the memories of yet another dream!

Just Like That - 1

Forgiven. Forgotten. Forsaken.

Why does he still linger in my subconsciousness? Taking a random form, why does he still confront me in my dreams-a state when I am too helpless to push him aside? I do not love him anymore. But I cannot be indifferent either. My dreams seek to see him happy. See him smiling with another beautiful soul. I haven't caused him any pain. But somehow, I hold myself responsible for his plight.

May be, these dreams are my latent attempts at redemption.